omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
