dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
too bad you live with your parents still
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I touched a dick in church today
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