If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
