I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
