I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
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