Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
