Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Boobs speak an international language.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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