you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
