i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
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It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"