You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car