I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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