mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
