I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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