i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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