apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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