i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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