so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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