It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
