I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
