We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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