So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
