My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
