so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
