The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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