Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
