Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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