??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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