I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Randomize
