mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
