Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
