Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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