never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
