My liver just broke up with me...
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
