True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He called his prostate his "boner button".
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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