I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
