I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."