So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
