I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
