I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
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I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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