Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
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