I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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