I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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