wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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