he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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