Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
