if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
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The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
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I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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