my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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