So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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