So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
