Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
