Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
