My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
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No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
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It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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